One more reason I need my man
Sometimes it's the unusual moments that make the biggest impact.
That tell me how blessed I am.
I'm not talking about the "I just had a new baby" moments, or the "lost a loved one too soon" moments.
More random.
Like yesterday.
While discussing how preschool went for BigBoy #1 he mentioned that some boys saw his butt in the bathroom and laughed at him.
Red flag, but nothing to truly be concerned about.
More questions revealed that he was using the urinal and some 1st or 2nd graders came in.
Even at the urinal, his pants tend to be down around his ankles.
Hence the butt-sighting and the laughing.
(Right about now you're probably getting concerned that I'm going to go into way too much detail about yet another bodily function. I assure you I'm going a different direction, hang in there!)
Relieved that it was not a huge deal and that he wasn't traumatized, I went back to making lunch.
Down the hall I overhear Bri...
"Do you want me to teach you how to pee without showing your butt?"
"Yeah!!!"
Why does that bring me to tears as I write it?
It was an ordinary moment.
There was no situation.
But Bri saw the bigger picture and had a solution.
No more bare butts at the urinal for our boy.
That's my man.
My man showing my son how to be a man.
As I was marveling at Bri's understanding of his son's needs I remembered an article I read some time ago.
It was written by a single mother about how much she'd love to have a husband.
How tired she was of hearing all her girlfriends complain about their husbands.
It's a bit long but worth the read.
Most of us have more to be grateful for than we realize.
I am not the least of these.
Originally published in the January 2009 issue of Parents magazine.
Okay, maybe he isn't perfect. But as a single mom, I'll tell you why
your guy is better than no guy at all.
Why Moms Complain
A month after my son was born, my friend Julia called. Uh-oh, I
thought. She's calling to whine about her husband again -- her kind,
funny, and, let me add, incredibly hot hubby -- and I wasn't in the
mood. With the phone in one arm and my baby in another, I was trying
to maneuver his blankie, the Boppy, and my exhausted body over to a
nursing chair for what seemed like the gazillionth feeding of the day.
Within seconds, Julia launched into it. "You wouldn't believe what
Paul did," she sighed. I was about to give her my
new-mommy-get-off-the-phone excuse -- whoops, the baby puked! -- but
Julia was already complaining about how, when her husband changed a
diaper, he used the wrong diaper cream. Or forgot to use any diaper
cream at all. Or something.
Is Your Husband Really So Bad?
"How are you ever going to forgive him?" I said dramatically, thinking
Julia would laugh, but she was on to her next complaint: "Now, he's
supposed to be watching Emma, but I can hear the football game on. I
know he isn't paying any attention to her!"
I didn't know what to say. To me, Julia's husband sounded like a dream
come true. I guess I should mention that most of my friends' husbands
sound like a dream come true because I'm a single mom. With my
biological clock ticking, I chose to have a baby on my own. No regrets
on that score: I was fully aware of the enormity of the challenge I
took on and I'm as hopelessly in love with my child as any married mom
could be. Still, solo parenting means that the bad-dad bar has to be
pretty high to get my sympathy. Unless the baby sucked down the entire
tube of diaper cream, I'd pretty much forgive any miscues on the
changing table. And if a man came over to my house and cared for my
baby for two hours -- even if he woke the baby by screaming
"Touchdown!" -- I'd be elated. Especially if this man happens to be
someone I love and who adores my child.
He's More Helpful Than You Realize
Julia isn't the only mom who calls me to vent about her husband on a
regular basis. I hear similar complaints all the time, and although I
can imagine my friends' frustration, I also want to shake them and
say, "Excuse me, do you realize how much worse it could be?" I'm not
trying to excuse husbands from parenting duties, but while so many new
moms focus on what their husbands aren't doing (or are doing wrong), I
see how helpful their husbands actually are. So before you pick up the
phone and rag on the man who lifted your baby up in the air without
supporting his head properly, here's a reminder of why you should
really appreciate your guy.
He Lets You Have a Chance to Sleep
Let's not even talk about that blurry period of new motherhood when my
newborn was waking up every two hours around the clock while many of
my friends' husbands were sharing the night shift. Here's the thing
about toddlers: They have a strange habit of waking up at 6:30 every
morning, even on weekends! Which means that I haven't slept past the
crack of dawn, much less read the Sunday newspaper, since I was
pregnant.
So I shook my head in disbelief when my friend Susan, whose husband
takes care of their 2-year-old son on Saturday mornings, complained
that under Dad's watch, their son hit his head on the bookshelf. How
does she know this? Because -- get this -- her husband actually told
her!
"Your husband does the morning shift, and tells the truth?" I said.
"Do you know how lucky you are?" Susan started to object, but I gave
her a skeptical glare. Sure, her toddler got a tiny scratch, but would
she really have traded the extra sleep to prevent that? Besides, I
reminded her, who's to say that something wouldn't have happened to
her energetic kid on her own watch, like that time at the park when he
jumped off the slide? Susan's reply: "Shut up, okay?"
He Sets Up the Baby Gear
I know: It's annoying enough when a man won't ask for driving
directions and more annoying when he refuses to read the assembly
instructions that come in those huge boxes. But even if it takes him
hours of tinkering to set up the swing (during which time you're left
pacing from room to room with your colicky infant, with no break), how
great is it that when he's done, your baby instantly falls asleep in
it and you didn't have to figure out the difference between a regular
screwdriver and a Phillips head? Plus, you didn't have to crush the
box and lug it out to the trash -- not to mention foot the entire bill
for the swing yourself.
He Helps Things Run Smoothly
Okay, so maybe you're the one who does the brunt of the potty
training, feeding, and schlepping the kids to daycare and doctor
appointments, not to mention tending to bruised knees and bruised
egos. And, yes, you sometimes feel that your husband isn't doing his
fair share. But let me ask you this: When was the last time you
replaced the house's air filters, repaired the leaky faucet, mowed the
lawn, and hauled in a 10-foot ladder to change the lightbulbs in the
chandelier? Can't remember? Hmmm. So when your husband comes home late
and you give him that sourpuss face because you needed help getting
dinner on the table, remember that he has a lot on his to-do list too.
He Gives Great Back Rubs
I hear it all the time: "My husband gives me a back rub, but then he
wants sex, and I'm just too tired!" Sure, there might be an ulterior
motive to his masseur routine, but after a long day of dealing with
the demands of children, don't take for granted the luxury of a
personalized massage in your own bed, especially by a man who finds
you sexy even though you haven't shaved your legs in two weeks. Still
not convinced? Think about this: Whenever you want to be touched, you
don't have to get a bikini wax, blow-dry your hair, find a
spit-up-free outfit, apply lipstick and eyeliner, drive to a
restaurant, and sit through a tedious two-hour meal for the mere
possibility of some heavy petting while the babysitter meter is
tick-tick-ticking away. With your husband, you don't have to follow up
with cleverly flirtatious e-mails or engage in time-consuming
courtship rituals. Heck, you don't even have to make conversation at
all if you're not in the mood. With zero effort on your part, your
husband is right where you want him: in your bed. (Besides, with
little people clinging to you all day long, isn't it nice to be
touched by someone bigger than 3 feet tall?)
He's Crazy About Your Kid
Is there anything more heartwarming than a grown man cooing in a
high-pitched falsetto to a giggling baby? So what if he shrank the
laundry, forgot to buy toilet paper, riled the kids up at bedtime, and
pretended not to hear when your toddler woke up the minute you'd
fallen asleep. None of that matters to your child, who lights up at
the sight of Daddy's face. I realize this doesn't erase all your
gripes about sharing the workload and trying to create a consistent
discipline style and dealing with a million other parenting issues.
But once in a while, you should look at your husband the way other
people do. Maybe you'll see him in a new light. On the other hand, if
you still feel the need to complain about your guy, here's an idea:
Send him over to my house! Believe me, I could use the help.
That tell me how blessed I am.
I'm not talking about the "I just had a new baby" moments, or the "lost a loved one too soon" moments.
More random.
Like yesterday.
While discussing how preschool went for BigBoy #1 he mentioned that some boys saw his butt in the bathroom and laughed at him.
Red flag, but nothing to truly be concerned about.
More questions revealed that he was using the urinal and some 1st or 2nd graders came in.
Even at the urinal, his pants tend to be down around his ankles.
Hence the butt-sighting and the laughing.
(Right about now you're probably getting concerned that I'm going to go into way too much detail about yet another bodily function. I assure you I'm going a different direction, hang in there!)
Relieved that it was not a huge deal and that he wasn't traumatized, I went back to making lunch.
Down the hall I overhear Bri...
"Do you want me to teach you how to pee without showing your butt?"
"Yeah!!!"
Why does that bring me to tears as I write it?
It was an ordinary moment.
There was no situation.
But Bri saw the bigger picture and had a solution.
No more bare butts at the urinal for our boy.
That's my man.
My man showing my son how to be a man.
As I was marveling at Bri's understanding of his son's needs I remembered an article I read some time ago.
It was written by a single mother about how much she'd love to have a husband.
How tired she was of hearing all her girlfriends complain about their husbands.
It's a bit long but worth the read.
Most of us have more to be grateful for than we realize.
I am not the least of these.
Originally published in the January 2009 issue of Parents magazine.
Okay, maybe he isn't perfect. But as a single mom, I'll tell you why
your guy is better than no guy at all.
Why Moms Complain
A month after my son was born, my friend Julia called. Uh-oh, I
thought. She's calling to whine about her husband again -- her kind,
funny, and, let me add, incredibly hot hubby -- and I wasn't in the
mood. With the phone in one arm and my baby in another, I was trying
to maneuver his blankie, the Boppy, and my exhausted body over to a
nursing chair for what seemed like the gazillionth feeding of the day.
Within seconds, Julia launched into it. "You wouldn't believe what
Paul did," she sighed. I was about to give her my
new-mommy-get-off-the-phone excuse -- whoops, the baby puked! -- but
Julia was already complaining about how, when her husband changed a
diaper, he used the wrong diaper cream. Or forgot to use any diaper
cream at all. Or something.
Is Your Husband Really So Bad?
"How are you ever going to forgive him?" I said dramatically, thinking
Julia would laugh, but she was on to her next complaint: "Now, he's
supposed to be watching Emma, but I can hear the football game on. I
know he isn't paying any attention to her!"
I didn't know what to say. To me, Julia's husband sounded like a dream
come true. I guess I should mention that most of my friends' husbands
sound like a dream come true because I'm a single mom. With my
biological clock ticking, I chose to have a baby on my own. No regrets
on that score: I was fully aware of the enormity of the challenge I
took on and I'm as hopelessly in love with my child as any married mom
could be. Still, solo parenting means that the bad-dad bar has to be
pretty high to get my sympathy. Unless the baby sucked down the entire
tube of diaper cream, I'd pretty much forgive any miscues on the
changing table. And if a man came over to my house and cared for my
baby for two hours -- even if he woke the baby by screaming
"Touchdown!" -- I'd be elated. Especially if this man happens to be
someone I love and who adores my child.
He's More Helpful Than You Realize
Julia isn't the only mom who calls me to vent about her husband on a
regular basis. I hear similar complaints all the time, and although I
can imagine my friends' frustration, I also want to shake them and
say, "Excuse me, do you realize how much worse it could be?" I'm not
trying to excuse husbands from parenting duties, but while so many new
moms focus on what their husbands aren't doing (or are doing wrong), I
see how helpful their husbands actually are. So before you pick up the
phone and rag on the man who lifted your baby up in the air without
supporting his head properly, here's a reminder of why you should
really appreciate your guy.
He Lets You Have a Chance to Sleep
Let's not even talk about that blurry period of new motherhood when my
newborn was waking up every two hours around the clock while many of
my friends' husbands were sharing the night shift. Here's the thing
about toddlers: They have a strange habit of waking up at 6:30 every
morning, even on weekends! Which means that I haven't slept past the
crack of dawn, much less read the Sunday newspaper, since I was
pregnant.
So I shook my head in disbelief when my friend Susan, whose husband
takes care of their 2-year-old son on Saturday mornings, complained
that under Dad's watch, their son hit his head on the bookshelf. How
does she know this? Because -- get this -- her husband actually told
her!
"Your husband does the morning shift, and tells the truth?" I said.
"Do you know how lucky you are?" Susan started to object, but I gave
her a skeptical glare. Sure, her toddler got a tiny scratch, but would
she really have traded the extra sleep to prevent that? Besides, I
reminded her, who's to say that something wouldn't have happened to
her energetic kid on her own watch, like that time at the park when he
jumped off the slide? Susan's reply: "Shut up, okay?"
He Sets Up the Baby Gear
I know: It's annoying enough when a man won't ask for driving
directions and more annoying when he refuses to read the assembly
instructions that come in those huge boxes. But even if it takes him
hours of tinkering to set up the swing (during which time you're left
pacing from room to room with your colicky infant, with no break), how
great is it that when he's done, your baby instantly falls asleep in
it and you didn't have to figure out the difference between a regular
screwdriver and a Phillips head? Plus, you didn't have to crush the
box and lug it out to the trash -- not to mention foot the entire bill
for the swing yourself.
He Helps Things Run Smoothly
Okay, so maybe you're the one who does the brunt of the potty
training, feeding, and schlepping the kids to daycare and doctor
appointments, not to mention tending to bruised knees and bruised
egos. And, yes, you sometimes feel that your husband isn't doing his
fair share. But let me ask you this: When was the last time you
replaced the house's air filters, repaired the leaky faucet, mowed the
lawn, and hauled in a 10-foot ladder to change the lightbulbs in the
chandelier? Can't remember? Hmmm. So when your husband comes home late
and you give him that sourpuss face because you needed help getting
dinner on the table, remember that he has a lot on his to-do list too.
He Gives Great Back Rubs
I hear it all the time: "My husband gives me a back rub, but then he
wants sex, and I'm just too tired!" Sure, there might be an ulterior
motive to his masseur routine, but after a long day of dealing with
the demands of children, don't take for granted the luxury of a
personalized massage in your own bed, especially by a man who finds
you sexy even though you haven't shaved your legs in two weeks. Still
not convinced? Think about this: Whenever you want to be touched, you
don't have to get a bikini wax, blow-dry your hair, find a
spit-up-free outfit, apply lipstick and eyeliner, drive to a
restaurant, and sit through a tedious two-hour meal for the mere
possibility of some heavy petting while the babysitter meter is
tick-tick-ticking away. With your husband, you don't have to follow up
with cleverly flirtatious e-mails or engage in time-consuming
courtship rituals. Heck, you don't even have to make conversation at
all if you're not in the mood. With zero effort on your part, your
husband is right where you want him: in your bed. (Besides, with
little people clinging to you all day long, isn't it nice to be
touched by someone bigger than 3 feet tall?)
He's Crazy About Your Kid
Is there anything more heartwarming than a grown man cooing in a
high-pitched falsetto to a giggling baby? So what if he shrank the
laundry, forgot to buy toilet paper, riled the kids up at bedtime, and
pretended not to hear when your toddler woke up the minute you'd
fallen asleep. None of that matters to your child, who lights up at
the sight of Daddy's face. I realize this doesn't erase all your
gripes about sharing the workload and trying to create a consistent
discipline style and dealing with a million other parenting issues.
But once in a while, you should look at your husband the way other
people do. Maybe you'll see him in a new light. On the other hand, if
you still feel the need to complain about your guy, here's an idea:
Send him over to my house! Believe me, I could use the help.
I LOVE THIS....and thank you for this GREAT writing! I have an incrediable husband too and thank God everyday (and night)....and even during supper prayer in front of the kids. Because I want THEM to know how much he does for us....little or big. So thank you Tember....
ReplyDeleteThe whole peeing without dropping trausers is a big darn deal! I remember when Brian taught me. I mean...
ReplyDelete