Seems like a cycle

I sat down to write for what I knew was the first in a long time.
As it turns out, it's been just over a year since I wrote a blog.
The last one I wrote, I didn't publish..it was written the end of August 2018.
Re-reading what I wrote a year ago stunned me and here's why: I was going to write basically the same thing today!

Here I sit, reading the words of my heart from last year and they resonate strongly still...or is it again?
I have noticed (through writing and having chats with my husband) that my emotional state seems to be "seasonal".
For example, most years in February and March we talk about my man quitting his evening-shift job and getting a new one.
In April we want to homeschool the kids so we don't have to deal with calls from the principal.
In August it feels like we need parent-kid boot-camp to get everybody back on track...or just get them back in school?
And coincidentally for the last 2 years I've felt a little melancholy around this time of year.
I won't agree that I'll stay in that state, as I'm determined to find what joy God has for me in it.
Since I articulated it well last year I'll just stop here and say thank you for journeying with me.

August 2018
I'm not sure the reason, but I've been melancholy lately.
Could be the summer is getting long and I'm ready for a new season.
Perhaps it's the strain of parenting.
The constant demand of work, especially now that I'm working more hours.
Possibly I'm tired of the hold people have on my life, my decisions, my desires.

I want to sing, I want to play piano better than I do, I want to go back to school for CRNA.
None of these things seem possible, and in fact, they seem harder to do now than ever.
When the kids were little and endlessly needy I thought this next stage would be easier.
In so many ways it is, but expectation to come through is stronger than ever.

Fear of not having the kids in enough stuff, too much stuff, feeding them wrong, letting them play xbox and ipod games, being on youtube, watching pg-14 shows, not enough Jesus, not enough church, not enough joy, the kids are going to grow up to hate each other...or me.
I just don't know why this all feels so weighty but I'm tiring of it.

Maybe it's fatigue.
Maybe it's self help books.
Maybe it's running, paying attention to what I'm eating and the pressure to look good.
Maybe it's just time for the season to change.

I do KNOW that God is here with me.
I really feel Him.
The other day, though, I got a glimpse of a way of relating to Him that felt revolutionary but it was the TINYest glimpse, I didn't get to hold on to it.
Like chasing a dream, the revelation was fleeting.
I felt SO CLOSE to understanding something pivotal and then poof, it was gone.
It had something to do with less striving and more being but I CAN'T grasp it.
Jesus, reveal this to me again...please, Holy One.

I had this sense that all this activity isn't the point, all this thinking isn't the point, all this discipline isn't the point but I can't get beyond it. Can't see over the top of this clump of trees to reach the meadow. Not on my strength, I NEED YOUR'S.