Dear Newlywed Wife: what I wish I had known and am still learning
Dear Young Wife,
I hope you are still caught up in the wonder and excitement of being Mrs. So-n-So. I hope you still wake up eager to sip some coffee with your man. I hope you can't wait to be enveloped in his arms when he comes home each day. I hope you still see his good heart, his God-given strength, his sacrifice and his love for you. I hope you haven't gotten caught up in the extras of life and started not noticing or even longing for the ways he usually makes your eyes light up and your heart come alive.
If you're married and none of my stated hopes are your reality, don't be discouraged. Life and work and family and busyness are notorious for making us miss each other's hearts. Can I offer some bits of hope and a few suggestions? These were not things I came up with on my own. God put some books, people, teachings and desires in my heart that taught me how to love my husband better. Some taught me not to compare, others reminded me that growth takes time. I hope this list of tips and tidbits catches your heart and grows your love and respect for the man you chose to be your better half. I can tell you that my love for my man is more deep, full, and trusted 17 years into this life together!
Don't Compare.
Don't compare yourself to anyone on social media, to your best friend, to your mom, to HIS mom. For real, don't. The former may be a mirage with no depth behind the pictures. The latter (your mom or his) have likely had years, DECADES, to learn how to be a wife. When you compare your pot roast, decorating, housekeeping, flower garden, finance, etc to a woman who has been a wife for longer than you've been born, you'll come up short. Ev.Er.Y.Time. It's taken me almost 18 years to start trimming back my flowers in the
Move Towards Him
Many people, your friends included, may think they're doing you a favor by telling you to stand your ground when in a fight with your guy. I read an amazing book early in our marriage called The Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work and one of the HUGE things I learned was this: when you've had a fight, a successful relationship requires someone to make a repair attempt after the argument. It may be a touch on the arm, an attempt at a new conversation, or eye contact but it tells the other person you're open to reconciliation. Healthy marriage REQUIRES reconciliation. You may not agree with each other but you need to move towards each other. Your love is bigger than this issue. If you don't move towards, you are effectively moving away.Your Spouse is not the enemy (but selfishness might be)
Remember when he could do no wrong? Chances are, he hasn't changed that much since you got married. Selfishness and self-centered behavior stays focused on "how does this affect me" instead of "how does this affect us". Try to out-give your husband, build him up, don't get into competition with him over assets, finances, schedules, etc. This is the same man you married, who caused butterflies and fireworks with a look and a touch. He is not the enemy and is worth sacrificing for. You'll both be sacrificing in a marriage, don't stay focused on you or you'll miss what he's giving.
People change
Sometimes for worse, often for the better. If you were young when you married, expect growth and maturing. When I married my man I didn't like onions or tomatoes. 18 years later I cook with onions and still hate raw tomatoes. I have changed some and it's been a good change! Make space for growth and celebrate the good changes. There may be some trial and error in this changing so offer grace for their humanity. We don't all get everything right the first time!
Trust his heart towards you (and have a good heart towards him)
When you know your man loves you and loves your heart, you can overlook almost every offense. You know at your very core that he doesn't mean you harm, even if he spoke a word carelessly or left his dirty socks on the floor for the last 489 days (but who's counting?). Likewise, if he knows you see him as the man God created him to be, he will know the weird look you gave him was probably PMS instead of some unspoken disdain. This belief alone, that your hearts are good towards each other, prohibits the breeding ground of defensiveness that comes from perceived misunderstanding and insult.
Let God catch your heart
There will be times that your husband doesn't understand you. God designed us to turn towards HIM so don't look to your guy to fulfill you, fill you, or complete you. Only God can do that, so let Him catch your heart during those times that it hurts and nobody understands. Your man was not meant to be God in your life.
This is getting lengthy so I'll finish the list off with a few more ideas that I won't expound on:
Your man needs your respect (read the book Love and Respect- SO good!)
Pray for your man
Pray WITH your man
Speak ONLY good about your man to others
Don't get caught up comparing or complaining about in-laws (that will only drive a wedge)
You can be right or you can have relationship, you can't always have both (I believe I first heard this truth from John Eldredge)
Don't keep score
Don't assume every bad mood he has is about you
Give him as much grace as you would give your best friend on her worst day
If someone would have told me marriage was going to be this good, hard, easy, sad, happy, impossible and holy, I wouldn't have believed them. I can't promise you smooth sailing, and some relationships have rockier seas than others. But I assure you, New Wife, that if you are intentional to respect your husband well, stay near to God, choose your words with care, and not compare, you'll find more fullness in marriage than you ever thought possible.
Until next time,
Tember ♡
Other books/resources I learned from and continue to:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
As For Me and My House Crafting Your Marriage to Last
Love and Respect
John Eldredge and the Ransomed Heart Team
Marriage 365, find them on Instagram
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